Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
After promising to change more times than your ex, the world has finally changed, thanks to ChatGPT-4o, where the ‘o’ stands for obliterate. For human expertise is on the verge of being obliterated by All-Purpose Intelligence (as AI should be defined) that can modulate its voice and tone to convince men that all their problems can be solved and to persuade women that all their problems can be heard. Sensing collective panic from employees (who will soon be referred to as AI enablers), bosses have reassured their most valuable human colleagues that they will still be required to hand them their 12 cups of coffee everyday.
Meanwhile, all politicians in India have been given strict instructions to “not do Hindu-Muslim” for what remains of the election season, since such a task can be easily outsourced to AI. All media networks that are predicting more than 400 seats for a certain party are set to receive free mid-career upskilling courses for its senior reporters exclusively from the party’s Social Manipulation Cell.
Elsewhere, the two leading faces of India’s two biggest political alliances have agreed to debate each other on live TV on the question of which of the two is India’s most eligible bachelor.
Wondering what else happened as you abandoned your partner to run for para president for the 122nd time? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
May 13
Shyam Rangeela believes that he should get a chance to run from Varanasi because he cares about the city’s people more than its gods
TT archives- Comedian Shyam Rangeela is unable to file his nomination papers from Varanasi due to a strange stipulation by the Election Colluders of India (ECI), which says that only one professional performer can contest from a particular seat.
- After inviting entries for the coach of the Indian men’s team through Google Forms resulted in more applications than there are domestic cricketers in the country, BCCI has opted to make a shortlist of 500 candidates based on their Dream11 winnings over the past three seasons of the IPL.
May 14
The KKR management has rubbished rumours of offering Rohit Sharma the KKR captaincy and a weekly supply of rasgulla next season
TT archives- Having lost his bet of doing 50 push-ups everyday during the IPL, Rohit Sharma reveals to his good friend and Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) coach Abhishek Nayar how the former fell out with the Mumbai Indians (MI) skipper Hardik Pandya. According to Rohit, it all went pear-shaped for him after the MI owners asked Pandya to ignore Rohit given Rohit’s persistent complaints about no vada pav being served at the Ambani’s pre-wedding celebrations in Jamnagar.
- In a teaser for a new documentary on Roger Federer called How to Succeed Without Sweating, Federer’s wife, Mirka, confirms the Swiss maestro’s affection for Rafael Nadal: “Roger loves Rafa so much that when they were facing each other in all those Grand Slam finals, he used to prefer Rafa’s moaning to mine.”
May 15
Tabu almost rejected the offer for ‘Dune’ because the film’s makers kept calling her Taboo
TT archives- Tabu has been cast for the highly acclaimed Dune series after nailing her audition, which involved pronouncing Timothee Chalamet until she blushed besides recalling her science fiction experience with Bhool Bhulaiyaaa 2.
- In another feather in the cap for Indian cinema, The Kashmir Files and Article 370 have been selected alongside Russian film Putin’s Best Men and Hungarian film How to be a Viktor for screening at the Cannes Film Festival’s category for state-sponsored art.
May 16
Volodymyr Zelensky took longer to write his Netflix script after learning that he could not include any Nazi jokes
TT archives- With Ukraine losing men and weapons faster than the New York Times can count, Volodymyr Zelenksy has informed NATO that he is ready to be flown out to safety, since he has gathered sufficient material for a three-hour Netflix special.
- In a moment of shocking candour during his hush money trial, Donald Trump confesses that he paid adult actress Stormy Daniels “not to keep quiet about our encounters, but to tell as many reporters as possible so as to enhance my reputation”.
May 17
Profits before Planet, a think tank supported by the world’s biggest corporations, denies reports of collaborating with scientists for climate alarmism
TT archives- Major corporations across the world breathe a huge sigh of relief following the latest report by Global Climate Confounders. The report confirms that it is already too late to prevent the Earth from heating up by 3 degrees Celsius above pre-industrial levels.
- Bumble releases a paid subscription that allows users to sit back in the comfort of their homes and watch a live telecast of their AI avatars going out on dates.
