Maine Pyaar Kyun Kiya

Director: David Dhawan

Cast: Salman Khan, Sushmita Sen, Katrina Kaif, Sohail Khan, Arshad Warsi, Bina Kak, Rajpal Yadav, (Ishaa Koppikar, Arbaaz Khan)

6/10

This is the transcript of a [doctored] tape of a cellphone conversation a film critic had with a group of people outside a cinema hall [both of whose real existence has to be verified by the police by next Friday]:

Film Critic: Hello, brothers! I have just seen Maine Pyaar Kyun Kiya, and died many times, in parts, tukdon tukdon mein. I mean, it’s hilarious in parts, and you’ll die laughing. Now, tell me, will you ‘do’ the show or not? Yes or no? Just tell me in one word...

(Line cut.)

Film Critic: Hello, again. Loadshedding, goodfellas, powercut, nothing more. Now tell me, yes or no? Will you get to the current booking counter, put down the money, buy the ticket, go in and ‘do’ the show or not?

Crowd Member: Look, Film Critic, this David Dhawan has just remixed his last hit, Mujhse Shaadi Karogi, and with the two clown brothers, Salman and Sohail, pushed in the Hello Brother element, too...

FC: Yeah, and he brought in Sushmita from Biwi No. 1 and that Punjabi loudmouth character [debutante Beena Kak] played by Tabu. But go and see that Sush dame’s acting, and yoooooh, her dancing. And don’t forget my chick Katrina. Jaate ho [expletive deleted] or should I ask Abu Jani to give you a call? I know him damn well, we played marbles when we were kids. And you know his baap, Daulat Bhai? He’s like my elder brother. And Chhota Shareer, Lamba Laltu, Salim Langda, all, all of them. I am their main man in Mumbai. We’ve been selling tickets in black all our lives.

Crowd: Stop, FC! Your cellphone is being tapped, you’ll get into trouble.

FC: What trouble? Trouble is you [expletive deleted]. You have to ‘do’ the evening show and save my [expletive deleted]. Who’s Munna Bhai, he knew nothing about those 13 popcorn packet bursts, I knew about each one of them. And I’ll call your family members 41 times, and will break their legs first, then their arms, and poke their eyes, no, not their eyes, or how will they see the film. You know I can do it, yeah?

Crowd: Don’t you dare, FC! Are you drunk, FC?

FC: Don’t [expletive deleted] with me, guys. Don’t cut the line. ‘Do’ the film. It’s got great funny dialogues by Sanjay Chhel, man.

Crowd: Okay, okay, calm down FC. If the film is as hilarious as your dialogue and act here, we’ve got to see it.

Anil Grover