(From top) Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Britney Spears and Kylie Minogue

It’s big gig time again, guys! This time it’s JLo giving us a pass (forget the tickets) and heading straight to the entertainment Mecca ? Mumbai (how boring). JLo, you missed it this time round, baby. After all the interest you showed in India ? studying up on cows and skyscrapers, then deciding to sell your drama to another dramatic kingfisher tycoon; Mumbai is gonna be just like home, honey. You won’t see no cows, no snake charmers. No streets full of Ambassador cars. It’s gonna be a lot more boring and surprisingly smoother than you expect.

Okay. Let’s just figure out your moves once you touch down. You’ll be taken to this big yacht in the Arabian Sea and shown around (yeah, we have ’em Yachts, too). And then you’ll be in for a hectic round of partying. There’s gonna be a lot of painted faces all around and soon you’ll discover that they are in fact the cream of India.

Okay, let’s touch on the typical guest list. You’re gonna be meeting a lovely lady called Parmeshwar Godrej earlier on. She’s gonna love it if you were to recognise her deal before being introduced, so here’s a quick reckoner. Bleached-to-death hair, eyebrows that shoot to the sky and suddenly feel like a holy dip. Ah! That lovely olive skin that wants to rest on the floor (only if she’d let it) and an accent that could send you packing to where you came from. You’re gonna get pecked cheek to cheek and made to move on. Then you’ll get to meet someone who looks like a White-man excuse ? Gautam Singhania. Try hard and pronounce his name correctly coz he’s one helluva tycoon here. And he’s got a lot of yachts as well. Move on. Then we’ll have someone called Anil Ambani, and if you’ve heard of him, don’t ask about his brother’s whereabouts. Just move on. You’ll meet fashion gurus and if you’re lucky ? deep breathing yogis as well.

Actors, actresses and models?the works. It’s like a mini America here, you know? So what brings you here in the first place? Ah, the concert! In the evening you’ll be told that there’s this gig you need to get over with. Mr Mallya will throw you in front of a hungry Mumbai audience. You’ll be expected to shake your designer booty and raise an uproar. Then you’ll be made to read Mr Mallya’s lips ? ‘You’re done with your show? Okay, now it’s time for mine.’

Another round of partying, lots of beer and even more painted faces. In the end you’ll be convinced the man is real suave and stuff, but he could do with a better haircut and proper shave. Next day he will personally escort you to his branded aircraft, kiss you on your cheek (lol) and bid you goodbye. Our pages will start filling up the next morn and by the time you wake up, it’s good ol’ America again. So? What did you miss out on? Wanna know?

You know there’s this place in the East called Calcutta? It keeps getting passed on. Had you touched down there, you would have been treated to things you’d want to take home. We have temples, malls, cows and little skyscrapers. But no Vijay Mallya. You’re probably gonna see equally salt--pepper beards and even worse haircuts. But we have stadiums you’d awe upon and feel like filling up. We have historic bridges. We have warm, beautiful women who’d love to drape you in a traditional sari and fuss upon dots they would like to see shining on your forehead. We also have white, painted faces just in case you start missing home. We have parts that look like the poor man’s Noo Yourk. We have parts that look like Milwaukee as well. We have roads that greet you with a bump and we have flyovers that smoothen your ride. An exciting mixed bag. Think about it. You’re talking about a Rebirth here remember? Is it too late for all that? Yeah, we know. Never mind.

It’s big gig time, folks! How about getting in the lovely Britney Spears to entertain us culturally? She’d love to get into the Kali temple barefoot and paint herself vermilion red, get back to the US of A and generate a new style statement. She could send a personal note to Bappi Lahiri as well, saying just how very ‘meujicul’ his homeland is. He would then send her five of his tunes a la Whitney Houston and wait for another round of mega publicity. So much can happen folks, if only we give these International stars a real chance.

Slash would love it here. We have numerous Bangla bands who’d give him a welcome he would cherish forever. He could speak to Joe Satriani and gather tips to ensure that the event guys wear tight socks in advance. He would then fill up the Salt Lake arena and open the floodgates forever. How cool that might be?

If Mother Teresa were alive, Madonna would have given Mumbai at least a pass. India-intrigued Queen of Pop would have had a blast in Calcutta, given her penchant for spiritualism and mehndi. She would get her million fans and meet the cultural freaks she momentarily fantasises about. She could take a midnight walk on the Setu and think of shooting her next new video here. She would sure as hell raise an adda at any given point of time and giggle about it once home. And, boy, what a moment she would make of flashing her just presented Baluchori sari. Priceless. And, yeah, she’d love to see the vermilion brightening up her skin like nothing else.

If Mr Meatloaf were to be here, the fish markets would suddenly run dry. Kylie Minogue would feel right at home with her 5ft 1in. frame and eminently shapely butt. Michael Jackson could meet a few look-alikes in the Free School Street area. Mariah Carey could emancipate herself silly at the numerous discos in town.

So, why go Mumbai you American starry people? There’s so much more rockstar fun in here! Really!