Head to head: Adult sibling rivalry is often brushed under the carpet

On the morning of April 22, a Mumbai-based middle-aged man drove to meet his older brother at the latter’s flat. At that very moment, thousands of brothers were probably meeting each other in the bustling metropolis. But what transpired in that particular meeting made headlines: in a few minutes, the younger brother had pumped three bullets from a Browning .32 to fatally injure his older brother.

Pramod Mahajan’s death at the hands of his younger brother Pravin shattered many notions about Indian family values, appalling many to the point of brushing aside the whole incident as a ‘freak’ incident. However, adult sibling rivalry has been prevalent in many Indian families, without reaching the grisly proportions of the Mahajan case.

Take the instance of Robin Deb, a surgeon in his early forties who is the only doctor among his brother and cousins. “I don’t know whether to call it sibling rivalry ? that sounds too harsh. But my brother makes it a point to mention at family gatherings that he was the brightest among us, and it is his misfortune that he couldn’t become a doctor,” says Deb. Does he feel hurt? “No, I am merely irritated by his insinuations, and I prefer to ignore his remarks.”

Like Deb, most Indians prefer to ignore any unease when it comes to relationships with their adult siblings. Childhood sibling rivalry is dismissed as a passing phase by most parents. Some even instigate a competitive spirit between their children by comparing one with the other. As far as adult sibling rivalry is concerned, high-profile cases like the recent Ambani spat or the Mahajan tragedy make headlines, but are not seen as symptoms of a deeper social or psychological malaise. “In any case, Indians like to keep up appearances unless there’s a serious row.” smiles V. Sriram, a chartered accountant who lives with his four brothers and their families. “Our father constructed the house so that each of us can occupy a floor and use the common garage. Recently, I faced some flak from my brothers when I bought a premium segment car, but kept my cool.” While disparate lifestyles or achievement levels may trigger sibling rivalries amongst adults, people like Deb and Sriram, despite being at the receiving end of resentment from siblings, choose to look the other way to maintain family prestige or peace.

For the 62-year-old Calcutta-based Tapati Bose, acknowledging her resentment towards her youngest sister was “shockingly painful”. Bose, the eldest of five siblings, was married when her youngest sister was only four. “I was married at 20 and have been a homemaker all my life. My sister Tandra became a doctor, went abroad and travelled extensively. Comparing our lives made me feel worthless and resentful of her success,” she confesses.”

“The way sibling rivalry is expressed changes from childhood to puberty to adolescence and adulthood,” feels Dr Debashis Ray, practising psychiatrist at the Apollo Gleneagles Clinic and Hospital and AMRI. According to Dr Ray, the success quotient is not always the prime culprit. “Adult sibling rivalry is a manifestation of a person’s mental makeup, intra-personal conflicts and even other problems which the person might have at home or at work.”

Although adult sibling rivalry is still a closeted topic in most families, it has been widely explored in Indian folklore, literature, films and even television soaps. Few can forget Deewar ? the saga of the warring brothers in the Amitabh Bachchan-Shashi Kapoor starrer of the 1970s. One of Satyajit Ray’s last films, Shakha Proshaka, touched upon fraternal rivalry as a sub-plot.

When the symptoms of sibling rivalry are acute, family members tend to hedge the issue, feigning normalcy. Conversely, certain disruptive elements, now immortalised in loud prime-time television mega serials, may also worsen the situation. In this context, Dr Ray feels that the role of the spouse is critical, either as a negative or positive catalyst. “We often do not pay heed to the mental health of our family members. But if a person is suffering from sibling rivalry, it would help matters if a spouse, another sibling or even a close friend steps in proactively to diffuse conflicts through dialogue,” counsels Dr Ray.

Sometimes parents are too old or too beset by their failing health to notice any simmering antagonism among their adult offspring. Sometimes, they just choose to escape from reality,” reveals a 37-year-old teacher speaking on the condition of anonymity, who went through a period of severe self-loathing. “I felt like an under-achiever compared to my siblings, and was deeply bitter. My husband, realising how unhappy I was, encouraged me to go in for professional counselling.”

Sometimes, the healing process can be miraculous, as Tapati Bose recently discovered. “When my sister came to Calcutta recently, she got many expensive gifts for my family members. I accused her of patronising me, and as the floodgates opened, I and my sister truly communicated with each other. I accepted the fact that there were more opportunities for women of her generation, and I should not grudge her success. It was an emotional reunion.”

Dialogue resolves disputes ? advice as old as hills, but often ignored. The articulate Pramod Mahajan may well have lived had someone close to both Pravin and Pramod initiated a dialogue between them. Happily, for millions of others, it’s not too late.