the problem

I am a 30-year-old widow with a 10-year-old daughter. Recently, a colleague has proposed marriage to me and I have agreed. He is also willing to adopt my daughter. But my in-laws want her to stay with them even if I remarry. My daughter too wants to stay with them. What should I do?

H.D., Calcutta

Marry your colleague. Even in today’s ‘liberal’ society, it’s pretty decent of a man to propose to a widow and even offer to adopt her daughter. As far as your in-laws are concerned, they have a point too. They have already lost their son and your daughter is their only link to him. Moreover, if you have other children, your daughter may feel neglected. It’s better that she stays with her grandparents.

Saurabh Dhanuka
Calcutta

The 10-year-old is your daughter, right? How do you let her get “brain-washed” by your in-laws? Take her back in your own care and vigilance. She is sure to respond and come around. And once your in-laws realise that, they’ll give up. They’d better, or you can get a court order asking for protective custody. Since you are the natural guardian, the court will hold that it’s for the best interests of the child.

Mihir Chakravarti
Calcutta

Your colleague wants to marry you although you are a widow. He even wants to adopt your daughter. How can one be more generous than that? He wants to give you a new life and new hopes. Try to make your in-laws understand his good intentions. If they continue to refuse to let go of your daughter, do not think twice. Just get married. It’s your life after all.

Nilay Bandopadhyay
Burdwan

It’s your right to keep your daughter with you. But before taking any step remember that she will receive proper love and care only from her natural relatives. Your beau is more interested in you than her. But both of you can definitely stay close to her and provide her with all the assistance she needs in life.

Jang Bahadur Singh
Jamshedpur

You have a long life ahead. If you are confident of your new partner’s sincerity, there is no harm in remarrying. It’s better that your daughter stays with you, but don’t compel her to do so. Let her remain with your in-laws if she wants to but make sure that you maintain good relations with them. It is quite possible that time will heal everything and solve your problems.

Mitali Palit
Ranchi

Being the mother, it is your right and responsibility to bring up your daughter. Since you are financially independent, I don’t understand why your in-laws are trying to interfere in this matter and standing in the way of the natural rights of a mother. You can take your daughter to a counsellor as she is too young to understand the situation. Also, consult a lawyer and try to find an amicable way out, keeping both your and your in-laws’ interest in mind.

Zini Basu Roy Chowdhury,
Calcutta

At the age of 30 you will find a number of bees humming around you. But try and find out the true nature of the person who is willing to marry you, because such marriages often end disastrously. Don’t be swayed by your emotions. Your child should be your first and foremost concern. Give her some more time to understand your needs and meanwhile, try to realise the true motive of your potential fiancé.

Gayatri Chakraborty
Sodepur

I hope your colleague is really serious about his promises. If so, he should try wholeheartedly to convince your daughter that he loves her like her own father. Children are able to sense true love much more than grown-ups. In the meantime, you will also be able to make a better assessment of your colleague’s intentions. If things go right, I think your daughter will definitely accept him.

Hemanta Kumar Dutta
Shibpur

You have to sort out your priorities. And be clear about them. Since you are young, remarriage is an option. But if you are really attached to your daughter, you have to sacrifice your own desires and dedicate yourself to building her future by never marrying again. Don’t take any emotional or hasty step. Think carefully and take a decision.

Rajeev Goenka
Calcutta

Try to win your daughter over gradually. It is as difficult for the girl to accept another man as her father as it is for you to lead the life of a widow. If she finds it hard to accept him, better leave her with your in-laws. Don’t drag her along by legal force; it’ll only antagonise her further. But don’t deprive her of your love and perhaps one day she will understand why you did what you did.

Kakali Mukhrejee
Calcutta

A woman who loses her husband at a young age receives a lot of attention. I don’t think you should let go of this opportunity to begin a new life. Your in- laws are just using your daughter to emotionally blackmail you to stop your remarriage. Your daughter will understand everything in due course.

Pramod K. Sahoo
Sambalpur

It is quite natural for your daughter to want to remain with your in-laws since she spends most of her time with them. I suggest you spend more quality time with her, even if it means taking a few days off from your work. This will bring her close to you. Also, arrange for her to meet your colleague frequently without disclosing his true identity to her. If she likes him, I’m sure she will understand.

Vinay Shreshtha
Salkia

Next month’s Response question

Readers are requested to respond to the following problem. All answers should reach us within a fortnight and be within 150 words.You can also e-mail us: themes@abpmail.com or, fax your answers to 033 2225 3142 2236 1208.

My father-in-law is 70 and ailing. Though he has five children, when it comes to paying for his treatment, it is only my husband who is ready to foot the bill. He takes on this responsibility even though we are not very affluent. He does not even ask his siblings to share the costs of his father’s treatment. How do I deal with the situation?

P. Bhattacharya, Calcutta

expert eye

Kalpana Basu Mazumdar
Consultant Psychotherapist

Your problem is complex as it not only involves your future with your fiancé but your daughter’s mental and physical well being as well. Her needs and wants are of prime importance here. If she wants to stay with her grandparents at present, perhaps it is because she feels safe in a familiar environment.

That doesn’t mean that you and your partner will have no access to her. You will have to negotiate with your in-laws so that you can meet her as often as is mutually convenient. Then it will be in your hands to make the most of your bonding with your daughter and make her feel loved and wanted. Give her some time to adjust to and accept the new scenario and perhaps she will make different choices in the future.

But you need not put your life on hold either. Obviously you have chosen to get married again because your fiancé makes you feel secure and happy. And you have every right to feel so. If you go into the marriage with a sense of guilt it will be a no-win situation for everyone concerned.

You could start talking to your daughter about your needs so that as she grows up she begins to realise and respect what makes her mother happy. Your daughter needs some time to start trusting your fiancé. Once she begins to do that your in-laws will probably not stop her from living with you.