Shrek the Third

In the Shrek films, there’s this donkey called Donkey, and it’s really annoying. That’s kind of the joke: grumpy old ogre; annoyingly cheerful donkey bounding around. In the game the donkey is also annoying. Not because it bounds around, but because it stands still. Like an occasional table with lead legs. You bump into it. It won’t move. You have to walk around it.

Shrek the Third, an off-the-peg 3D platformer bolted to a film licence, is as cynical and short-sighted as it sounds. Sometimes you are Shrek, sometimes Sleeping Beauty, sometimes Puss in Boots, sometimes Donkey. All are substantially similar. One button attacks, another does “special attack”, another blocks. You only really need the first one. Enemies turn up. You bash the button to dispatch them. Glowing stuff falls out. You collect it. You smash a bit of scenery. More glowing stuff falls out. You weep with annoyance. It is a complete donkey.

Metroid Prime Pinball

Among her many monster-slaying skills, sci-fi bounty hunter Samus Aran — star of Nintendo’s flagship Metroid series — has the nifty ability to fit through narrow passageways by curling into a ball. So, according to game-executive logic, she’s perfectly suited to star in a pinball game.

To be fair to the makers of Metroid Prime Pinball, the series’ mythos hasn’t simply been pasted on to a pre-existing shell — the futuristic theme is maintained, and much of the action is based around blasting or bumping the enemies that roam the tables, or winning the occasional boss battle. The mechanics, meanwhile, are spot-on, and while it’s never made clear what each of the flashing lights does, you soon pick things up. Metroid Prime Pinball also comes bundled with a Rumble Pak, but the vibrations are so minute, they’re more of a distraction than an enhancement.