This Puja, parents took their children to pandals to test their knowledge of current affairs — for theme pandals covered everything from Sunita Williams to Harry Potter. I almost expected to see the 123 Agreement inscribed on terracotta tiles. But it was really surprising that global warming did not come up in a big way. Despite the fact R.K. Pachauri is soon going to walk up with Al Gore to collect the Nobel Peace Prize, thereby proving to all Indians and showing to the world that Gore was utterly wrong when he said that Pachauri dragged his feet.

But I have a suspicion that global warming, unlike solar energy, which was a theme at a pandal, is too hot to handle. It has very ugly side effects, not desired in a Puja pandal trying to revive a pretty rural art. Just imagine if what Pachauri says comes true. He warns that Himalayan glaciers, including those feeding the Ganges, are melting.

What if the Ganges disappears? There will be a series of mishaps and no real place to dump our garbage and no Howrah Bridge. There will be no Scoop, no Floatel. No steamer party on New Year’s Eve. Only Victoria Memorial. Lord Shiva will lose his jota, where the river is also said to originate, for topography and myth reign simultaneously in the Hindu imagination till the Archaeological Survey of India issues a letter to the contrary, which is disowned by the concerned ministry.

Whew! All these ponderous thoughts and the long sentences they led to were weighing me down, when one Puja pandal set me thinking in another direction. It had five asuras. I thought I recognised them.

One, I was quite sure, was the man who had invented waxing. It is one of the most ancient forms of torturing women. No women’s movement has really been able to eradicate it and now it seems to have fallen out of the feminists agenda. How many empowered women come with moustaches, except Frida Kahlo, who is dead anyway but now only remembered as Salma Hayek? It is another thing, of course, that many men, most notably, Salman Khan, have taken waxing up, but all I can say to that is it serves him right.

The next asura, I divined, was the man who directed a film called Apna Sapna Money Money..? It is one of the worst crimes perpetrated against mankind in recent history.

The next was the man who invented the cackle of a baby’s laughter as a ringtone.

Another was the inventor of a few age-old jokes that never fail to induce belly-laughs at a party, though often it’s only the men who are laughing. One goes: “A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.” The second: “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” The third: “What’s the difference between your wife and your dog? Walking the dog is relaxing.”

Another asura had a passing resemblance to a certain recently transferred Calcutta Police official. Yet another was the owner of the architect firm that is converting a formerly beautiful imposing heritage hotel in the city into a monstrosity.

The last one was J.K. Rowling. She has been too sinful in the Debipaksha. First, she demanded money from the FD Block Puja committee for replicating Hogwarts Castle. If she had any sense she would know that copyright is for Muggles — it doesn’t work in the realm of Ma Durga or in the space of the Puja pandal because it is suspended somewhere between fantasy and illusion. Then she underwent a wardrobe malfunction, which was not pretty. Then she had to out Dumbledore by saying he was gay, when all we are interested in is knowing how much she is still earning. She is the villain of the piece.

Does this make more than five asuras? There are too many of them around us — and I lost count. But the good thing is, the goddess has taken note! Shubho Bijoya.

chandrima@abpmail.com