Aami tomay ek glass doodh debo, tumi amay ek glass doodh debe, tarpor amader ekta doodher moton bachcha hobe — Hero to heroine, on their wedding night.

No, this is not a Mother Dairy advertisement but a supposed high point of Love Story.

“Just feel the positive vibration” — Heroine to hero, under a sprinkler.

No, you have not strayed into a sex toy shop but into Bijoli for a show of Love Story.

If you still want to go and see Raj Mukherjee and Pawan Kanodia’s two-hour-45-minute torture tale, well, you deserve to be drowned under a milky sprinkler. You get the drift? Or maybe the vibration.

For the masochistic few who want to know, the plot of Love Story goes like this — the Saheb (newcomer Anshuman Parasar) and Nandini (Varsha Priyadarshini) saga begins from their nursing home cribs (the opening credits show he-baby and she-baby in their cots while a red rose pops up on screen!). He is orphaned at six months and brought up by an undertaker called Pagla Baba. She is the daughter of rich man Bibhas Dutta (who wears a matte brown lipstick). Bibhas’s elder brother (Jayanto) is shot by Shyamsunder (Tapas Pal, who wears a fringe) because Jayanto has impregnated his sister Sadhana, who commits suicide. At the crematorium, Shyamsunder meets Pagla Baba who hands over little Saheb to Shyamsunder, who in turn passes him on to friend Gajanan (Kharaj Mukherjee). Then Saheb falls in love with Nandini.

Had enough? Even if you haven’t, we have!