I am a 24-year-old man and for a long time I have been in contact with a 34-year-old woman. Finally, we met and got to know that both of us are married. The woman’s husband lives abroad and the couple has no children. She is very beautiful and is interested in a physical relationship. Please suggest what I should do.

Name and address withheld

Just go for it but don’t get caught or beaten up. If a physical relationship is all she wants, then you must oblige. After all she is your senior and you have to be obedient. Just keep checking on her husband’s travel plans and if he is ever flying Air-India back home, remember there are two things that might happen. He may get back terribly late or 
even a day earlier and my worry is that you will have a broken back for either reason.

I am a 20-year-old girl and have a steady boyfriend for a year now and love and respect him a lot. I am also in love with a guy who my boyfriend and the rest of the world knows as my bestie. He loves me deeply and treats me like his wife — he wants me to be only his. We even lost our virginity to each other. I know I am cheating on my boyfriend, but cannot help doing it over and over again. Am I a two-timer? I just can’t live without either of them. Please help.

Name and address withheld

No you are not a two-timer. Keep yourself free next January 26 and we will put you on a tableaux entitled VIRGINAL LOVE. You are like most retarded men and women. You are having the best of both worlds. Having your bakery and eating the cake too and you should never feel guilty either. Keep this two-timing business on and keep me posted. You might also want to send me your mobile number and GPRS location co-ordinates. It would be great to meet you over some fine tea. And sandwiched. Er, sandwiches.

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HELP AT HAND

Alcoholics anonymous 
10A Nandan Road, Calcutta - 700025
Ph: 2419 1174, 98310 63021
For free help on alcoholism
Email: aakolkata_ig03@rediffmail.com
(2pm to 6pm Mondays through Saturdays)
 

Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics)
Ph: 84207 38682 
(2pm to 6pm Mondays through Saturdays)
Email: alanonkolkata@gmail.com
www.india.al-anon.alateen.org
 

Narcotics anonymous 
(Kolkata  area helpline)Ph: 98362 23071;
www.nakolkata.org
Email: info@nakolkata.org
Self-help group of recovering addicts
 

HelpAge India
1800-345-1253
Free helpline for the elderly for social, legal, economical, financial counselling and also access to government schemes and policies lifeline Foundation
Ph: 2463 7401/ 2463 7432
Free helpline for the depressed or suicidal (10am to 6pm Mondays through Saturdays) 
 

Sparsha
AE-36, Rabindra Pally, PO: Prafulla Kanan, Calcutta - 700101
Ph: 2591 0334, 2591 3852, 6529, 9856
Free tele-counselling and one-on-one counselling on personal relationships and HIV/ AIDS (10am to 6pm Mondays through Fridays)

If you have questions for Mr Seth, write to: graphiti@abpmail.com